“Left-Overs” in Love

The writer asked me why he was feeling he was receiving less than he felt he deserved from his girlfriend. They have “been through a lot”, he’d said, and he had even lost acceptance in his religious sect for supporting this girl. They are still together, and she is very busy–in addition to all this–and he wonders about how to view her apparent neglect. This is what I told him:

1. Pray and meditate to find peace and truth;

Dear MI,

Hi there, New Friend,

Please pray AND meditate before talking to your girlfriend, again. The two are vastly different, though you can do them –sort of at the same time, if you wish.

Meditating means sitting and breathing and not petitioning anyone, like God. It means calming yourself, and only breathing; stilling the mind, not thinking, worrying, connecting thought to thought, and getting lost in fantasy (If you need more help with how to meditate, look at my intro page). When we meditate, we open ourselves, our minds, our “spirits”, our creativity, memory, and intelligence. Answers come, and memories, visions, and realizations may appear. Do that until you are entirely peaceful. And before that, if you wish, you could pray and ask God to make it a good experience, revealing truths to you.

I could ask you to do that and then write me, which would be better, but you probably want a solution-oriented answer now, so here goes:

Everything you are assuming is a product of your imagination. I have a lot of experience with this as a human being, first of all–because we all do it, and as a hypoglycemic, second of all. This disease, when not managed, makes a person hyper focused when the blood sugar is low, and creates a hyper-imagination, sort of.

Now, My Friend…

No matter how much you may think something is the case, until you have the facts–and even then–it is largely your perceptions and imagination which tell you what has happened and what is happening. The truth is ALWAYS between us, never in only one mind.

Your girlfriend is a very busy person, and assumes–most likely–that you “are there for her” and so she takes you for granted at least to the normal degree, meaning she thinks you love her and will continue to do so, so she focusses on school, her job, her religious practice and her family more, right now. Unless there is another issue, you feel like you are getting “left-overs” because you ARE–and if she really loves you, proven by her presence in the relationship–you might feel flattered by this if you want to. As long as there is not another reason for it (disappointment in you for some reason; real or imagined, personal issues she hasn’t revealed, etc.), she loves you and shows that by feeling you would want her to only focus on you when she can, not more than her responsibilities allow. Do you see? You are like a foundation to her, hopefully, which she “knows and expects” to be there, whilst she is busy.

I suggest you to do four things;
2. Appreciate her in your life and balance your needs from her with her abilities;
3. After doing 1 &2, find time to do something loving for this busy woman you are likely lucky to have in your life;
4. After doing 1, 2, & 3, then, gently and totally listen to her about what is going on in her life and heart, before explaining your concern.

You may get the answer to your question.

As far as being co-dependent I do not know. I do not know enough about your relationship. It seems like she is not suffering that, but I don’t know about you.

Focus on making your life better, and making her comfortable. These are two key parts of what we must do to make our lovers happy.

Let me know what you think.

Peace, Love, Joy, and Imagination,

Carl Atteniese Jr.

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Carl is a Tokyo-based Writer, Artist, Videographer and Voice Actor from New York interested in Japanese, Ukiyo-e, philosophy and aerospace. For more about him, see his About pages.

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